Watching your own life pass you by
Primavera by Sandro Botticelli
I see the chapters of my life passing by, the pages coming one after another endlessly. Perhaps, this is my punishment for wanting too much and never raising my hand to say the words that I was meant to.
I lie down everyday at the same time, and there I stay: Waiting for the game to begin.
The truth is that I don’t know how to stand on my own feet, my whole life I’ve been crawling places that I never even wanted to be. My dreams and words don’t mean anything just as if you saw me coming, I’d probably do nothing to keep a smile on my face.
It’s like I’ve not been living this whole time, I’m only behind the wheels while it takes me places I shouldn’t be. It feels like a fever dream, if I’m being honest.
Paris, Texas (1984)
When I read the news in the morning, I’m scared, scared for a life I’m not sure I would be sad if it was lost. War, hate, hunger, and the secret enemy that may appear.
Everything scares me. Seeing those women and children dying for something that wasn’t their fault, the fear women constantly have to live with, those children who die before becoming adults, it’s all just so unreal that makes me question whether I’m truly alive or not. It makes me question why I’m still the one standing?
The government changes, the wave of extremism arise and suddenly we know that everything might change within a day.
My whole life I’ve been told what I wanted, to understand the right from wrong, and to see how privileged I am. Now, I’ve come to the conclusion that those visions that were put inside my head affected me more than it should’ve.
I don’t know who I am, what to believe, what to want, or even, who to believe.
Twin Peaks, Fire Walk With Me behind the scenes (1992)
I have a scar inside of me that never healed and probably never will, because I don’t know how to fix it.
Lost in confusion and not knowing the truth about who I am, I stay where I started. Perhaps, one day this will change and I’ll finally understand my purpose in this world, like the ending of a book.
It’s not too late to change, to see the world through a different point of view, to understand your purpose. At least for now, it’s not too late to explore new opportunities and to finally start living.
Because if there is one thing I’m sure of, it’s my lack of life.
